Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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