Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
