I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
