god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
