you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
