haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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