my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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