Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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