I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
