I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
