this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
