I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
