In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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