My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
