i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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