and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You are a genius and a whore.
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