Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
