i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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