she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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