god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
