ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize