I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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