If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
