She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
