Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
