I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
