Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
