and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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