I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
