I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
