Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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