I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can text with my tongue
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
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