I wish I only lived at night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
