Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
