every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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