My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
