alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
