is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
