the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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