I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
