i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
