You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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