also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
whose parrot is this?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize