I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
