Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
