Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
