My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I smell like Dick and happiness
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
