Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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