happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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