In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
