I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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