i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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