Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
