you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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