hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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