I am in a vortex of obligation.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize