just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize