Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
