I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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