I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
