My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
