wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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