someone get that fucking seahorse.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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