Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize