Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
