all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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