direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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