The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I love you. Go after that dick
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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