you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
