You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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