At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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