he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
